yesterday, isla was doing something and i saw her book on the floor by her feet. i said, "do you want me to read you your book? bring your book to mama." she looked at me and i gave her the sign for book and repeated, "bring your book to mama." she walked over to her toy box and searched through some stuff and picked up her other book (her favorite one) and brought it over to me to read to her. :) it was wonderful...she understood me!!

and today she was asking for "nana...na na na na n-na"...banana for breakfast. and she says "mamamamamamamama....mom...mama...ma". and "da DAH!! da da da da dada DAH". three distinct words. well, as distinct as they can be at this point. haha.

she giggles when i pull off her shoes and socks at the end of a long afternoon of walking around like a pinball. she staggers into furniture and turns and walks into other stuff. it's funny to watch her. troy does a really good impression of her. it makes me laugh really hard.

i bought her some dr.scholl's baby walking shoes. they're really nice and comfortable and we've been practicing wearing shoes. she's good in her bare feet but the first time i put shoes on her to walk in, she had to use her walker to get around again because she kept tripping on the tips of her shoes. it was funny. she walked like she was a dog walking in the snow for the first time. big, gigantic, exaggerated steps. now if she could just watch where she's going, we'd be all set.

so i heard it first on perez hilton's website (yes i read that shit)...mr murderous orange juice simpson's girlfriend (who, by the way, looks a lot like his dead ex-wife, nicole brown simpson) was recently taken to the hospital with a brain injury. she might need BRAIN SURGERY. oj has said that she was drunk and fell down the stairs. maybe she was drunk because she was trying to drown away the realization that she was in a relationship with a MURDERER...or maybe and more likely, she had the crap beaten out of her for what i'm sure was no reason at all.

i guess she didn't read his new book "if i did it" before they got together. maybe he was writing his plan to do away with HER.

this guy is a total psycho and should be behind bars or dead. or both. he shouldn't be allowed to hang among the rest of us who haven't killed anyone.

women in love can be very dumb. i'm the first to admit i've allowed some crazy shit to happen to me because i was "in love". letting this crazy fuck run around is like NOT shooting the wolf who is hunting your chickens. as long as the wolf is alive and free, the wolf WILL strike again. he's just gotta pick his target and find the right time to strike.

as i sit here listening to her heavy, snot-plugged-nose breathing on the baby monitor i cannot help but wonder what else she's doing. and then i hear it. BANG! and i wait. i wait for the screaming because i'm quite sure that she has climbed her railings and fallen out of her crib, face first onto the floor.

i've learned to wait for the screaming because many times i've run up there after a huge clamor only to find that the only thing that has changed is that her pacifier is on the floor. i didn't know they were made of lead.

it's been a while since i wrote so i kinda have a lot to say. nothing i have to say is particularly important but that's ok. it'll be nice to get it out anyway so i can make room for my up-and-coming thoughts.

this post will probably be a little disjointed as i am a little distracted. i am listening to the baby try to fall asleep with her plugged up nose and two molars coming in. i need to call a restaurant for tomorrow night's reservation and find a way to pay them with no money. my throat hurts, my inner ears are tickly and i think i have a chest infection. but, being the multitasker that i am, i'm sure i'll make it through the gruelling process of distracted bloggering and i might even make a little sense. that would be a first.

does anyone know where the word "blog" came from? it sounds a little gross and i'm just wondering if i'm the only one who feels this way.

i was thinking about how similar babies and puppies are. i've noticed similarities between the two ever since isla started crawling and grabbing at stuff and chewing on everything she gets her hands on. she lets out little squeals every so often and while the word "squeal" makes me think of pigs, and pigs are apparently a lot like dogs, i liken her squeals to puppy yips. i remember when marley, my yellow lab, was a little baby she would have moments of happy abandonment and yip and stick her tongue out and drool. isla does this too. the only real difference between the two is that the puppy is fuzzier and the puppy doesn't wear a diaper. i think some people put diapers on their dogs but that is peculiar and weird.

you know how the rhyme goes..."i" before "e" except after "c"?? well, i had been spelling the word "weird" wrong for YEARS because of this stupid rhyme. i only just realized in the last year that weird is a weird word and doesn't follow the rule...which, in my head, makes it easier to remember how to spell it. it's kind of ironic.

so back to babies and dogs. my baby is much like a saint bernard in her drooling capabilities. at any given time you can look at her and she has a long drool string from her bottom lip to her chest...sometimes the string spans the length of her torso...from lip to outstretched fingers. thank god it's winter though and she doesn't have dry grass and dirt in her drool - i've seen many of those big drooly dogs with grass and dirt in their drool strings. they have big, grassy, drooly dreadlocks. and isla doesn't shake her head and leave droolprints on the walls like a big dog would. thankfully. i'm so proud to be her mama.

so i watched Brokeback Mountain this week. it took me a few days to get over the first love scene. i always thought i was so open-minded and having travelled most of the world, i've seen a lot of unusual things and people and behaviors. however, i have never been witness to a homosexual love scene before this week. i watched it alone so's to be courteous to troy's hetersexual nature but i didn't think about my own heterosexual nature. apparently i don't enjoy homosexual love-making. i am all for people taking the love where they can find it. i would rather watch two men make love than kill each other. but i have to admit. it made me feel weird. i had to shut the tv off and ponder what i had just seen. it took me a day and a half to get back to the movie as i was afraid there would be more grunting scenes and i just wasn't up for it. (well, that and i had to make valentine's day cupcakes.) there was a scene in the movie towards the end where the two are standing by the fire before ennis goes up the mountain to tend to the sheep and they are just standing there...ennis behind jack...arms around him...talking softly in his ear...gently nuzzling his nose in jack's neck. it's a BEAUTIFUL moment. it's my favorite moment in the movie. you can feel the warmth coming from their souls. they were so in love it made a lump in my chest. it makes me want to bitchslap people who protest homosexual marriage and the like. i think love is a beautiful thing. but i don't want to be in anyone's bedroom. gay or not. i guess i'm a bit of a prude. i always joke that i like to watch. but i really don't. it kinda grosses me out. it was a good movie and i will watch it again.

homosexual love way back in the 60's and 70's (and earlier, i'm sure) was so romeo and juliet. so forbidden. i have been in a relationship like that. not homosexual in nature - but forbidden. it's painful to have to keep someone you truly love with all your soul at a distance. i'm not so naive that i think homosexuals "have it good" now. i know that there is a huge stigma attached to it. i know it's still pretty romeo and juliet. but i also know that there are people out there, like myself, who are cool with it. and that's good. hopefully more people will be ok with it as the days go on and people can feel comfortable loving whoever they love. i just don't understand why people are ok with going overseas to fight for a war that is insanely obtuse and unnecessary but they are against someone finding love just because it is with someone of the same gender. i find that very odd. people are strange at the best of times. it's amazing to me that we are civilized at all. we're like a bunch of monkeys that live in houses and drive cars. the only real difference between monkeys and man is that man keeps the tools he uses. and from that, our tools evolve so that we can build houses and cars. monkeys use sticks to pull ants out of the ground (to eat - yum yum) and leave their sticks on the ground after they use them. it doesn't go further than that. some people may say that we keep our tools because we are smarter. are we? maybe the monkey knows that it's better to live in the jungle and to stay detached from material things. maybe the monkey knows how evil man can be. maybe the monkey knows that he has a better life because he's cute and appears dumb...but just smart enough to be of interest to humans as to avoid total monkey/genocide.

have you ever seen the footage of the cannibalistic chimpanzees? there was this mother and child chimp duo that went around killing other chimps for food. i'm sure they are still around. chimps live for like 70 years or something crazy like that. this mother and son (i believe) team were going around terrorizing the chimp population in some remote jungle - chimpy serial killers. is that crazy or what? apparently they are an anomaly in the chimp world. the first chimpanzee cannibal serial killers. that kinda blows my mind. if i had to come into contact with a chimp, i think i'd rather run into the poop flinging kind.

 

 

 

i just closed my finger in the door. i would say "that smarts" but there's nothing smart about it.

went to the mall on saturday, camera primed and hung around my neck...looking for unsuspecting fashion victims for my new blog...i managed to snap a couple of pictures of two fashion disasters that could have been prevented had these women looked in the mirror before they left home. now, don't get me wrong. in no way, shape or form do i think i am fashionable in any sense of the word and could have taken a picture of myself yesterday to post up here...but this isn't a space for taking jabs at the sherster. this is a space for me to be cynical and make myself laugh at your expense...and wonder "what were you thinking"?! i know, real nice. whatever. blow me.

have you ever tried to take pictures of people without them knowing about it? it's not easy. especially when i need the flash to do any justice to my "models". there was a cross-dresser at the mall, head down, rushing to his/her job and i would have LOVED to have stopped him/her for a shot. but what do you say to a stranger when you want to take their picture and it's not because you think they look great? i need to prepare a spiel..."hi. my name is shelly. i am taking pictures for my high school newspaper and i am doing a story on everyday people. wanna be the featured girl/boy for monday's issue?" first of all. i'm 34. no one is going to believe i'm in high school anymore. this isn't beverly hills 90210 where those ADULTS are trying to pass themselves off as kids. second of all...what makes you so special, you ask? well, you're a dude and your hair is longer than mine, your nails are perfectly manicured, your knuckles are hairier than my ex's back, and you can't decide whether you want to be a man or a woman today...that's what makes you special. but how do i tell you that? i can't. there's nothing wrong with being confused, buddy. there's nothing wrong with being a cross-dresser or a transvestite or whatever you are. i'm not judging you as a person. i just think you should pick a gender and commit. at least for one day. go ahead! do your hair and eyeliner and nails and carry a purse. but then, don't wear men's shoes. put on a pair of ballerina flats for god's sake. no one cares. save the man gear for another day. and i don't know. call me crazy...but maybe you could wax or shave your knuckes? i've seen it done before. it's not that bad. a little weird. but everyone's a little weird. and then i could take a picture of your shaved knuckles, you freak! just kidding sweetheart.

so, instead, i spent the day lamenting about how i WISHED i had some balls and could just take advantage of the photo ops all around me. i  watched people peeking at me with questioning looks as to why i was playing the role of six foot japanese tourist lost in the big canadian mall. i swear to god i'm retarded.

 

i did notice a lot of shoe faux pas. notice ms yeti on the left. quite a specimen, really. maybe she thought her boots balanced out the size of her ass? the woman on the right was all dressed in blue except for her RED PLAID HIGH HEELS. if you're going to add a splash of color, darling, put on some lipstick. why draw my attention to your feet...unless, of course, they are particularly beautiful?

there were mukluks walking all around me and even a pair of heels with leg warmers (awesome!).it was quite a show for an asshole like me.

i felt about 5 kinds of mental illness today. 5 kinds of crazy. that sounds really dramatic.,doesn't it? but that's how it is in my head some days. i've been dealing with a flu infested baby since last friday. that's a full week. of puke. diarrhea. crying. sad, sick baby. it breaks my heart to see her so sick. she was puking her guts out on friday night between midnight and about 5:30am. every 20 minutes or so to start. poor little puddin. i was rocking her to sleep in the big burgundy recliner in the dark in the living room. she looked up at me with her sucky in her mouth and squinted her eyes intently at me while giving me a slight grin. that's our little facial communication and she does it when she's eating, walking, sucking her sucky, drinking from a bottle...and it means "hi there. i know you and i love you and you're funny." at least that's what it means to me. it seems to give her some sort of pleasure too. anyway, it made me laugh. she's an amazing, beautiful, happy baby. there she was, the poor little thing, puking all over both of us and i don't know about her but it was traumatic for me...i mean, i've never been puked on before...she seemed strangely calm for someone puking their stomach lining out...and then she gave me the squint. what a testament to her wonderful little personality. it's been rough on her but it's also been rough on me. i'm not gonna lie. troy got sick sunday afternoon and i got sick sunday evening. he spent a night on the floor of the bathroom...a puddle of fever and chills. it was an awful black plague of death kinda flu. puking out both ends. for days. troy took monday and tuesday off work. three days of crushing, debilitating flu. troy and i have finally been ok for a day or two but isla has thrown up at least once a day for 7 full days. talk about traumatic for a first-time mom and a first-time sicky.

add to the flu, -43 degree winter days...it's the cold snap they were talking about. so i've literally been stuck in this hot, plague-filled house for a week. i went to walmart on tuesday because i needed formula for baby and gravol for troy, my other baby. i was outside for a total of 15 minutes. i remember telling troy that i didn't have any balls but if i did, i would have frozen my balls off. it was fucking cold. and the walk through walmart will always be remembered as some kind of surreal death walk. i was weak with hunger and disease. the walking plague. at walmart. how's that for an advertisement? "come to walmart - no shirt, no shoes? no problem. we serve near dead people." i made an effort not to touch anyone or anything. don't worry. i'm not a psycho with a flu. however, don't cross me or i'll cough in your direction or give you a big wet kiss. some people deserve the flu. let's be honest. i'm sure you know of two or three.

add to the flu and the cold snap, i got my period yesterday. so of course i'm a little (haha) moody and my damn back hurts and isla wants to be carried and rocked to sleep and i'm ok with that because i love her and she's sick and i want her to feel better. but my back hurts, yo. and because i was puking and fainty and couldn't keep anything down and i was in a sleepy, surreal, three day dream full of puke and diarrhea, fever and chills, not just mine but isla's as well...and keep in mind, troy was even sicker than me and therefore not much help to me...because of all of that...i didn't even think about my good friend, prozac. four days without my head meds. so now the chemicals in my brain are a little mixed up, quite literally. the only way i can discribe my inevitable meltdown is that my mushy pea brain was oozing out of my ears. so. i decided that now isn't the right time to "i didn't take my pills for a few days so maybe i will just try to go off my meds now...sure, why not?". because my brain is oozing out of my ears. that's why not! because i could tear the head off a puppy right now and then go for a slice of pie. that's why not. i am not completely stable. not running on all cylinders. i mean, come on, i don't even really like pie. IS ANYBODY CRAZY? oh yeah. I AM. fortunately, due to years of therapy, various self-help books and intense introspection, i am very aware of my emotions and i'm highly more likely to cry like a pussy than rip the head off a puppy. that's one of my better qualities. :)

the black plague...raging emotions...raging hormones...a bad trip down memory lane...somewhere in there i remembered i have a baby to take care of...my only real priority in life anymore. so...i took my pill. and i'm feeling much better now.

and now that i think about it, the caffiene withdrawal migraine i was suffering through on monday and tuesday didn't really help things either. what a fucked up week. i'm glad it's finally over.

how are YOU?